Dear Mind: On Holding Two Streams (Part 1)
Makari | The Notebooks: From Her Journal — Letters to Self
Dear mind,
Now. Help me shift a mindset.
I’m setting up my Substack, and I can feel the joy of it. Like I am doing something fun and cool. But I also feel two quiet crying streams running through me.
One stream? My stories. The fact that I have had to pause focusing on them. I feel them giving me this look, like “don’t assume we’ll be here when you finally make the choice to focus on us.”
The other stream belongs to my other work—my daytime job—which keeps begging for my attention, but not always in a here’s another fun thing you can do way. More like a hungry child who has already eaten but still tugs at my sleeve, threatening to die if I don’t feed them my attention—and assuming I’ll die if they die.
And here’s the thing: I don't entertain these tears. You understand? I see them. I feel them. I soothe them with the most self-soothing thing I can find in the moment. But still, there’s this creeping worry. What’s the word? When you ignore something, like a tiny infection. Or when you’re lying to yourself. Am I in denial, mind?
Because you and I both know I can be very good at keeping the peace between competing parts of me—but not always good at naming what those parts really need.
So, help me now.
Show me what is true for me, and how best to respond to these streams.
Remind me what can wait, and what cannot.
Remind me that I am not failing just because I can only give my attention to only one stream at a time.
Remind me, too, that I am still here—holding both streams—and that even this quiet, imperfect holding… is a kind of work.
With love and expectation,
—Me
Note to self.
I trust myself to face what is true,
to honor what calls me,
and to shift, gently,
into the next right thing.
I hold the streams. I am becoming.
This entry is from The Notebooks — an ongoing series of reflections, drafts, and in-process ideas. ✍️
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